FEBRUARY 3, 2014
My son died 104 days ago. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the chaos and confusion that prevails on a daily basis in my head.
Im trying to push, fakeittillimakeit, fraudulate behavior, put up a front, smile anyway, socialize, stay out of bed and smile. Every day. And its alot of work.
And its flimsy.
But I’m still here…and trying to figure out why. WHY am I am here and he’s not? Why is life so hard? Why does it hurt so much?
Today struggling with the sad conclusion that I can’t Save any of my kids. I couldn’t physically save my son, and I can’t fix the pain that my other three children are experiencing and I can’t make their good choices for them or fix their bad ones for them or fill their emptiness. I can’t repair their hearts anymore than I could cure my son’s cancer….and it tears me up, like, rips my insides out that I. Cant. Fix. It. For. Them.
For the first time in 25 years, I had the thought and said it Out Loud to my husband, “I don’t think I can do this” referring to the parenting thing (I didn’t sign up for the death-of-a-child part) which is a little late seeing that my youngest child is 17.
So I’m supposed to be strong FOR them.
And I can’t even be strong for me…and bless my husband’s heart…there is nothing left for him. No-thing.
And God? I am straight-up, seen an angel, commited 100% follower/believer, confident to my core Christian. Nothing could shake me. No-thing.
Until Losing my Child. It shook me and my faith. For just a minute…just long enough to give me an understanding of my younger child’s intense anger towards God.
I read something about leaving God’s sanctification of others up to Him, so I’m holding onto that (basically because it takes something else off my to-do list). They are ultimately His. That’s hard to swallow sometimes, but also what I’m most grateful for.
Good night. Been a very long day full of Teenage. Lots and Lots of Teenage.