My son in the ICU: …and then LOVE came in.

Late September, 2013: Cory made an amazing turn. He stopped hurting, we started Hoping, he came back to us mentally and was weaned off his pain medication. Doctors used words like “Miracle” and “Never been seen”.

And Love exploded.

cory & anna cropAnna, his love and friend,…who the moment she got word that he was dying, up and left her home and job in Arkansas, drove 9 hours straight, and came to him. The moment they saw each other brought the hospital room of men and women to tears. The connection, the pure  love witnessed there was more moving than any novel ever written. I can’t even begin to describe it. He came back to life like nothing we had seen so far. She saw beyond his pain and sores and scabs….it’s like none of that was there. And he looked at her like an angel arrived. Charlie even joked, “He’s never looked at me like that!”. Her arrival on the scene brought joy and healing and agape love to Cory and to all of us that witnessed the most tangible connection of two souls we had ever seen. And she stayed with us and with him. Now there were three of us rotating chairs and parent beds at night….and Cory or we wouldn’t have had it any other way. This was Love.

wpid-img_20130917_155114_312.jpgAnd his friends came, all drove, walked or wheeled in and sat around him at what they thought were the end of his days and cried and held his hand and brought cookies and notes and reminisced for him when he couldn’t respond, This was Love.

cory familyAnd family and cousins who used their saved pennies traveled for miles and miles from Seattle, Arizona, Alaska, Tennessee, and North Carolina, and the Uncle who poured his heart and talent into writing and recording Cory’s Song…and the grandparents near and far who held vigil for days, or sent communication and prayers across the miles, or made sure we ate and slept, This was Love.

His brothers and sisters, who sacrificed so much during this time (schooling, time with friends, absent parents) or had countless family meals in the hospital cafeteria or countless hours at their dying brother’s bedside or made wallets out of duct tape for Cory’s lottery money  cory lottery money……This was Love.

Dave&Debbie who stepped up and ran the whole Home Show solo and those family, friends, teachers, and leaders who pinch hit in my other children’s lives when I was absent from my (and their) life while I cared for Cory…This was Love.

wpid-img_20130916_180134_516.jpgAnd the laughter in the room when the crowd was there, piled up literally on top of chairbacks and arms of chairs and all over the floor (I’m sure the PICU team questioned allowing us the go ahead to let family/friends “come thru”, because they surely came but didn’t necessarily go “thru” ), the jumping to their feet and to his bedside to hear Cory muster a word and do anything at all we needed to help.
This was Love.

And the endless emails and texts and care packages and visits from my little friends and big friends and new friends and old friends…This was Love.

And those who sent essential oils and did Reiki and sat silently and peacefully beside Cory and delivered us homemade meals…This was Love.

And the doctors who treated us like family– who showed up on their off days, pulled up a chair and spent their precious little free time with us and chatted with Cory about his adventures, or who offered to personally go pick up our dog from our home to visit Cory, or promised to make a trip to Utah to hike with him when he was on his feet. And they meant it…

This was Love.cory dr. mary (Dr. Mary <3)

And a group of my dear women friends:  daycare moms, church women, old and new friends showed up one day  at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital and brought me snacks and gift cards and written sentimentscory sheyna moms and they went in the church chapel and grasped my hands and prayed with me. Prayed for my family and for my son. They showed up and lifted me up and held me up when I felt like I couldn’t fake my way through one more day, with their lasting embraces. If I shut my eyes, I can still feel it. This was Love.

wpid-img_20130917_131120_441.jpgAnd Jenny….the nurse who jumped through more hoops than I knew to make an Outdoor Trip happen for Cory. 8 people transferred him to a stretcher and rolled him and his lines through a maze of doors and units to get him out to the patio.

And Brian, the music therapist who brought us the blessing of guitars and egg shakers and music to Save Cory. They knew him . They knew he loved outdoors and he loved music, so they made it happen for Cory. From love, not from their duty of their job. wpid-img_20130917_103127_272.jpg

And the close friends of his who gathered around his stretcher that day, grabbed an instrument and played music with him for an hour while he laid horizontally and could barely strum….This was Love.

And his old high school friend who was there that day and in tears asked me…”I just need to know, does he know Jesus?” and I said, “Would it make you feel better if I directly asked him?” and she said, “Yes.” So I went to Cory, outside breathing the first fresh air he’d breathed in months, and I said, “You know how much she loves Jesus, right?” and Cory said, “Yes” and I said, “She wants to know if you love Jesus.” and he said after a moment of thought, “Yes, yes, I do.” and I told her and she looked relieved and took a deep breath and smiled. This was Love.

And his very best friend, who was his sidekick for many years and they took care of one another endlesslywpid-img_20130918_133741_111.jpg ,that Lost her Job for staying at Cory’s bedside for days on end. This was Love.

 Then Abby , Cory’s cousin in Colorado, started a Love Cory Day (that lasted weeks) on September 19th…. she said “Hi guys! we want to celebrate Cory (my cousin) tomorrow. He’s a cancer fighter and a truly amazing kid. To show some love everyone please wear anything red and post a picture. Please support♥” HUNDREDS across the Ohio and the country donned red shirts and made signs and smiles cory abbycheering him on….

This was Love.cory love cory day

love cory day laraIt spread across the nation, literallycory kids, and a friend who’d never met Cory made a Facebook emblem- that people we knew and lots we didn’t- shared on FB and posted as their profile pic in solidarity and support for the miracle we were witnessing ….it said, “Go, Cory, !!” …This was Love.cory go cory

And the prayers, and the pictures, and creativity came rolling in…..Cory once said to me, “Those Prayer Warriors are a real deal, aren’t they? They aren’t messing around.” ….This was Love.

I could go on and on. It all helped. It was all was provided at the exact moments it was needed, because no doubt about it…..God IS Love and it’s the only thing that matters. I didn’t just read it on a page, I lived it. It was overwhelming and precious and it truly carried us.

At times like this, everything else falls away, and you just see hearts…it’s the most beautiful thing.

Cory’s last Facebook post on October 8, 2013, while fighting back mentally and physically from his brush with death.

“Can you get me on Facebook?”-C

“Sure, do you want me to read or type?”-Me

“No, I will do it.” -C

It took him 45 minutes to type this one finger at a time while I held the iPad up on his torso.

First time being on here here in
quite awhile, and my activity will likely remain minimal, but my mom has been keeping me up to date with all the Love, so I wanted to acknowledge and return some of it really quickly. You all kick ass.” –Cory Jay

My Son in the ICU: MIracle Man

 September 2013….I am so touched by Life. The good, the bad, the in-between. I’m touched. And Life brings me to tears often.
My beautiful daughter will say to me, “You are crying, AGAIN?”, because it might be the littlest thing….

So to have an extraordinary experience such as one’s child being in extreme suffering and inexplicable pain and being told he is dying, come to an already cry-ie, emotional, touchy-feely person mom…..where does one go from there?  I found out.

Silence.

That’s what’s next. Silence. enjoy_the_silence

Because there is nothing left. It is the point of realizing one has No Control, No Power, No Influence, No Nothing. A small demonic fungus, the size of a cell…..a cell. Was bigger than Mom. Was bigger than Dad. Was bigger than the doctors. Was bigger than Life.

And that’s hard to fathom. It’s hard to take. But there is No Other Choice. This micro-something has more power over your child than You. You who birthed and invested every emotion and moment and time and energy into this Other Human Being Who Is YOUR CHILD, a piece of you, came OUT of you….then THIS micro-something fungus is determining your child’s destiny and you can’t do.one.thing.to.stop. it. and it is causing him pain unending. And, apparently, neither can the medical community stop it.. Even they have called wolf.

All I could do is Pray. To the one thing bigger than me. Bigger than the demons. Bigger than the micro-organisms.
God.
He’s all I had left.
Please, please, please, God. Even though there are 7 BILLION people in the world. Save MY son. 7,000,000,000,000. Save MINE.
I thought about Africa, I’ve been to Haiti, I thought about the other precious little ones I peeked in at in the PICU who were our neighbors now, I’ve seen pictures of orphans in tons of countries…..Lots and lots and lots and lots of Mothers lose their sons Every Day. But save Mine.
Because why? I could give the same list of convincing, heartfelt reasons that any other mother could…But save HIM. Because I Love You, God, save My Son??
I prayed with my whole self. Offering my whole self, “Take me instead” …to save him. I begged. It was all the hope I had left.

“Whoever does not love, does not know God, because God is Love“—John 4:8

Love.
He showed up. In a big way.

I have no doubt, in direct result to mine and many others prayer….no doubt. Not that we are special in the 7 billion people in the world, because many, I’m sure, share the same story of answer to prayer, but I’ll take it.

My son stopped hurting. He. Stopped. Hurting. I cannot express in words what this is. There are no words. He stopped hurting. If you knew the agony, the pain that I do not have words for that we saw him experience…the fact that it PAUSED.

That, in itself, was a miracle. Thanks Be.

He made a Turn that last week of September. Mentally and physically, Cory started to come back to us….The doctors were Baffled!

Here are my texts to a friend in September :

The doctors said….”never been reversed” ,”that would be crazy” ,”would be a miracle” ,”never known anyone to survive” ,”he has anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks”….well, God has other plans :)))))
They are now saying, “never been seen” , “miracle”  and “no record of this rally ever occuring”….
Hi friends…Though Cory is still “very sick”, Prognosis has changed! They are talking about moving him out of ICU this week. Miracle Man. Thanks so much for continued love, prayers, and support.

We called him Miracle Man.

104 days since LifeRedefined

FEBRUARY  3, 2014

My son died 104 days ago. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the chaos and confusion that prevails on a daily basis in my head.

Im trying to push, fakeittillimakeit, fraudulate behavior, put up a front, smile anyway, socialize, stay out of bed and smile. Every day. And its alot of work.

And its flimsy.

But I’m still here…and trying to figure out why. WHY am I am here and he’s not? Why is life so hard? Why does it hurt so much?

Today struggling with the sad conclusion that I can’t Save any of my kids. I couldn’t physically save my son, and I can’t fix the pain that my other three children are experiencing and I can’t make their good choices for them or fix their bad ones for them or fill their emptiness. I can’t repair their hearts anymore than I could cure my son’s cancer….and it tears me up, like, rips my insides out that I. Cant. Fix. It. For. Them.

For the first time in 25 years, I had the thought and said it Out Loud to my husband, “I don’t think I can do this” referring to the parenting thing (I didn’t sign up for the death-of-a-child part) which is a little late seeing that my youngest child is 17.

So I’m supposed to be strong FOR them.

And I can’t even be strong for me…and bless my husband’s heart…there is nothing left for him. No-thing.

And God? I am straight-up, seen an angel, commited 100% follower/believer, confident to my core Christian. Nothing could shake me. No-thing.

Until Losing my Child. It shook me and my faith. For just  a minute…just long enough to give me an understanding of  my younger child’s intense anger towards God.

I read something about leaving God’s sanctification of others up to Him, so I’m holding onto that (basically because it takes something else off my to-do list). They are ultimately His. That’s hard to swallow sometimes, but also what I’m most grateful for.

Good night. Been a very long day full of Teenage. Lots and Lots of Teenage.