104 days since LifeRedefined

FEBRUARY  3, 2014

My son died 104 days ago. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the chaos and confusion that prevails on a daily basis in my head.

Im trying to push, fakeittillimakeit, fraudulate behavior, put up a front, smile anyway, socialize, stay out of bed and smile. Every day. And its alot of work.

And its flimsy.

But I’m still here…and trying to figure out why. WHY am I am here and he’s not? Why is life so hard? Why does it hurt so much?

Today struggling with the sad conclusion that I can’t Save any of my kids. I couldn’t physically save my son, and I can’t fix the pain that my other three children are experiencing and I can’t make their good choices for them or fix their bad ones for them or fill their emptiness. I can’t repair their hearts anymore than I could cure my son’s cancer….and it tears me up, like, rips my insides out that I. Cant. Fix. It. For. Them.

For the first time in 25 years, I had the thought and said it Out Loud to my husband, “I don’t think I can do this” referring to the parenting thing (I didn’t sign up for the death-of-a-child part) which is a little late seeing that my youngest child is 17.

So I’m supposed to be strong FOR them.

And I can’t even be strong for me…and bless my husband’s heart…there is nothing left for him. No-thing.

And God? I am straight-up, seen an angel, commited 100% follower/believer, confident to my core Christian. Nothing could shake me. No-thing.

Until Losing my Child. It shook me and my faith. For just  a minute…just long enough to give me an understanding of  my younger child’s intense anger towards God.

I read something about leaving God’s sanctification of others up to Him, so I’m holding onto that (basically because it takes something else off my to-do list). They are ultimately His. That’s hard to swallow sometimes, but also what I’m most grateful for.

Good night. Been a very long day full of Teenage. Lots and Lots of Teenage.

4 thoughts on “104 days since LifeRedefined

  1. I didn’t start with this post. I found myself reading your son’s story and hoping along with you that he’d be okay.

    I cried when I realized he had died. I can’t even imagine what you and your family are going through and I’m sure no words are enough. I am so sorry 😦

    Like

    1. Thank you so much. I’m actually transferring these blogs from another site (bc of recurring technical issues). They’ve been written over the past 1.5 years. I’m not even finished writing the “story” of what happened, but it has been very therapeutic to get the memories from my head to “paper”. Bless you for your tears, compassion, and for reading. It has been almost 2 years now. Time and love helps ❤

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s